A Shift Of Paradigm

I've ignored every phone call I've gotten in the last 2, maybe 3, weeks - from Amanda C, Amanda S, Trissa, Keira (btw, I hear Obama has a chance there -- awesome), and even family. All but one of them are local friends, but the one exclusion is as important to the rule as the others, so it all equates just fine.

Anyway:

Since My last fit, I've been doing everything I can to not go all emo on you guys. And, with that said, please know -- if you see some lyrics or poetry that sound upset, suicidal, or sad -- do not be alarmed. They are just lyrics. Please, chill. I've gotten 3 emails about the last one already, and I haven't put a gun to my head, a blade to my wrists, or tasted steel in the entire time since the update before the "Lyrics." post.

With that said... yeah... I do not fell my sleep spiraling toward that decent. I won't lie and say I'm doing super great. I'm far from great. Things keep piling up, piling up, and piling up -- and when I just start to feel like I can't breathe and may die -- my dad chimes in with, "Charlie, you need to get your stupid fucking ass into gear."

Yeah.. Uhm.. no shit, dad. Thanks for that super constructive advice and I'll, like, get right that...

Appreciate it!!!!!!!!

Right. Well, anyway. The point here is to tell you the following -

I am not going to kill myself. I've talked about it here and there, and yes; I've attempted it, but don't worry. Those days are behind me. Ignore how upset I sound here because as long as I'm not talking about tasting steel or putting a gun to my head -- you can be sure that I will do neither of the two. But, I do kinda have to say -- reversely, this does sort of mean, I guess, kinda... uhm.. well... if I do, suddenly, start talking about that shit again.. well.. er.. I guess you'd better take it pretty seriously I guess. Whatever.

Hey, look at this picture!!!

Lyrics.

I remember you; yes, I do.
You wanted to travel the South
I wanted to travel north, but
I'll admit I had my doubts:
Would you would be the same as
I knew you to be?

Oh, well.
No. Probably not.
But, that's nor here or there.
I know you don't like it:
So, I'll just keep smoking my cigarettes -
A pack and a half a day.

Will that run you off?
I'm doing my best.
There's a theatre up on the hill.
So, I've been acting my part,
you've been doing the same;
so, which will leave the stage first?

Christians fight the wars for the people.
I've been fighting my part, too.
I've been watching the TV -
The bombs dropping on cities of the world
And, I can't help but think:
They think God is on their side.
Well, sure, but so do we.
We have laws in which we must abide,
but I sort of think this is wrong.

But, I'd rather win than lose.

So, dweller of the north east,
am I still who you remember me being?
I doubt it, because I think I am too,
but you really think you're seeing
the point of it all: Yes, the big picture
But, I saw - we have to read the fine print
What is the point? - Of it all, I mean
Oh, I don't know. Count me out.

Imagine what you want.

So, tell my brother that I love him;
proud of him and can see him.
Tell my mom her support really helped,
and got me through the days.
My dad - well, he did his best.
Can't say much more than that.
I mean, that's all we - any of us -
can really do.

So, it's okay. Don't worry about.
You lost 2 out of 3.
That's not so bad. It's a losing hand, sure.
But, you had one to make it all worth it.
And, he'll endure to keep up your name.

Smile, nod, and say your prayer.
I'll do the same, we can be on equal levels.
And, it'll all be okay in the end:
When the sun swollows the Earth.

I Keep Telling Her To Fuck Off, But She Won't

(4:07:37 AM) Silver: hi
(4:07:37 AM) Charlie : I'm not here right now
(4:08:00 AM) Charlie: gi
(4:08:01 AM) Charlie: hi
(4:08:04 AM) Charlie: *
(4:08:10 AM) Silver: hows u?
(4:08:24 AM) Charlie: Tell Keira (her phone is dead and she's off line) to check my last 2-3 tweets
(4:08:26 AM) Charlie: I'm bad
(4:08:30 AM) Charlie: Very, very, fuckin bad
(4:09:02 AM) Silver: sorry.
(4:09:05 AM) Silver: whats the matter?
(4:09:17 AM) Silver: she hasnt said much of what is going on.. shes just been mad n shit.
(4:10:15 AM) Charlie: She hung up on me ealier, and I lost a hell of a lot of faith in her due to that... I can't disagree ith her being angry with me, and I can't say I'm not an idiot -- but, what I can say is this:
When people care for each other, they don't hang up. They listen and try to help. They give their love. They give their hope. I recieved noneof that.... I recieved a dialtone
(4:10:25 AM) Charlie: So.... I'm pretty fucking jaded now...
(4:11:13 AM) Silver: ive done that to people before... you just get so irritated you cant stand it anymore at the time. its not that they dont care or anything. its just too much for the person at the time. i guess i understand why she did it.
(4:11:29 AM) Silver: i had to help keep her in a good mood all night... not to sound mean or anything but because of u.
(4:13:18 AM) Charlie: Hearing a dialtone when you're talking into a phone to somone you thin care for you does not send message of "don't kill yourself", or "I love you, please be ok" -- it says "I have given up on you, and I no longer care what happens to you"............ and hearing that dialtone on my cellhphone while saying, "Hello, Keira? Hello? Are you there?" -- that hurt so fucking much more than when I broke open my forehead on a tile floor in the hallway a bit ago....
(4:14:40 AM) Silver: i guess you can think of it that way if you wish. but you do know different than that. and yes, it does hurt. had that done to me before as well. sorry to hear tha.
(4:16:37 AM) Charlie: No, I do understand
(4:16:44 AM) Charlie: She had every right to mad at me
(4:17:02 AM) Charlie: She had every right to be frustrated with me
(4:17:07 AM) Charlie: But, with that said --
(4:17:11 AM) Silver: then why are u being an asshole?
(4:17:20 AM) Charlie: When you hang up on so... what?
(4:17:26 AM) Charlie: Why am I being an asshole?
(4:17:32 AM) Charlie: I hadn't realized I was being an asshole...
(4:17:35 AM) Charlie: Fuck you.
(4:17:36 AM) Charlie: Bye.
(4:17:41 AM) Silver: lol ok. fine be that way.
(4:17:52 AM) Silver: im trying to help. but it doesnt mean im going to be nice.
(4:18:09 AM) Charlie: Yes. I will be that way. And, I'll be god damn proud of being that way. So, again I say: Fuck you and goobye.
(4:18:19 AM) Silver: sorry but when ur irritating my friend that bad im not going to be nice, but im not going to be a uber bitch. ima be blunt.
(4:18:32 AM) Silver: ur not being fair to her.
(4:18:41 AM) Silver: none the least.
(4:21:07 AM) Charlie: "Uber Bitch?"? You're right about that. You are. Now, as I said a bit ago, fuck off. This is no longer a statement but now a wish -- please, fuck off. GO away, die, piss off, I don't care -- just go the hell away.
(4:21:46 AM) Charlie: I see that you're typing something.
(4:21:54 AM) Charlie: Please know that I will not reply.
(4:21:55 AM) Silver: lol i dont need to be told im a bitch. i know i am and sometimes pride myself in it. like right now.
(4:22:05 AM) Silver: u just did so hah. *yay for being immature*
(4:22:06 AM) Charlie: "Fuck off" <-- that's my last sentiment to you.
(4:22:21 AM) Silver: awe thanks for the compliment.
(4:22:24 AM) Silver: keira says good night.
(4:22:28 AM) Silver: shes going to bed.
(4:29:46 AM) Silver: you know keira cares about you alot. shes always talking about you. the things u two talk about, the things you two have in common and so much more. she freaks when something bad happens to you. i havent seen her this freaked out in a very long time. and i have known keira for 3 years now. she had you on speaker for a while when she was on the phone w/ you when we were walking. you said she could be as mad and stuff at you as much as she wanted. and then when she does, you say you arent going to talk to her for a while. its not fair. she does have every right to be, but she was only so mad because of some of the things you did. if you say you care so much about her then why are you doing this to her? why are you being this way? why are you putting yourself in danger if you care so much? yes, she did hang up on you, but what you are doing is so much worse, you are putting yourself in danger, unnecessary danger at that.
(4:30:59 AM) Silver: i havent seen her so animated about talking about someone in a long time either. when she talks about you she lights up. shes so happy. im glad that you make her that happy. i hope she gets to meet you face to face someday.
(4:31:49 AM) Silver: sorry if you think im a bitch, but shes my friend. and i care about her alot. i hate to see her cry. i hate to see her sad. im just trying to help.
(4:34:49 AM) Charlie: " i hope she gets to meet you face to face someday."
(4:34:49 AM) Silver : Away
(4:34:57 AM) Charlie: You just killed any chance of that.
(4:35:03 AM) Silver: how so
(4:35:03 AM) Charlie: I hope she thanks you for that.
(4:35:19 AM) Silver: how can you possibly make this my fault?
(4:35:34 AM) Silver: you two were having problems before i even got online.
(4:36:09 AM) Silver: did u even get the long message i sent? i dont know if it was too long for IMs...
(4:36:10 AM) Charlie: No, it's not your fault. I totally understand a friend getting behind a friend's back
(4:36:13 AM) Charlie: That, I totally get
(4:36:31 AM) Charlie: But, you have no idea has happned, what's going on, or what has happned.
(4:36:35 AM) Charlie: AND
(4:36:43 AM) Charlie: Then, out of fuckign no where, you called me an asshole
(4:37:03 AM) Silver: did u get that long message? because that says why i called u it
(4:37:04 AM) Charlie: Which was totally unnecessary -- you and I were getting on fine until that point
(4:37:10 AM) Charlie: So, fuck you for that.
(4:37:21 AM) Silver: then fine. will you answer my question please?
(4:37:28 AM) Silver: did u get that long message?
(4:37:40 AM) Charlie: I will not listen, pay attention, or take heed to anything you say since that statement. You killed yourself with that one. Sorry, but you did.
(4:38:00 AM) Charlie: Yes, I got your long message, and yes I read it, but as I just said -- anything you say, now, has no meaning at all.
(4:38:09 AM) Charlie: Furthermore: You had no question.
(4:38:13 AM) Charlie: You asked nothing.
(4:38:18 AM) Charlie: So, I've nothing to answer.
(4:38:21 AM) Silver: i asked if u got that long message.
(4:38:29 AM) Charlie: Also, I've nothing more to say to you.
(4:38:31 AM) Silver: but whatever... u answered it already.
(4:38:34 AM) Charlie: I couldn't resist replying to that ridiculous part of your comments.. but, now that I've said what I felt I had to say --- goodbye.
(4:39:57 AM) Silver: ...fine. just one more thing before i go to bed. stop putting yourself in harms way. its hurting my best friend. and if you care about her as much as you do, you will try to.
(4:40:02 AM) Silver: have a good night. bye.
(4:43:59 AM) Charlie: Just so we're clear, you have no anonymity with me. I'm going to link you to this, and then I'm going to go do whatever the hell I want -- even putting myself in harms way, I fell I should -- but, with that said: Keira will see what you've said tonight. I suggest you figure out how to defend yourself from what you've said before she talks to you, lest you find yourself in a major bind. I may think your a fucking bitch, but Keira seems to love you, which is fine with me, but if you don't want t lose that love, I suggest you find a good excuse for your behavior tonight. --- This is the last msg you will receive from me.http://selfhatex.blogspot.com/2008/10/silver-you-have-no-tact.html
(4:43:59 AM) Unable to send message: Refused by client


(She signed off before the last msg was sent.)

Vote McCain; Vote Obama (I don't care), but if you support Freedom Of Religion, Watch This Clip

These people are outrageously racist, and when they were called on it, they left the John McCain rally. They also refused to give their names; and, they were even confronted by someone who is with the McCain campaign. They're a disgrace to America, our constitution, and freedom itself. Please, watch this. It makes me fucking sick that people are trying to use these tactics against Obama, a well known Christian.

The Tattoo

I was reading my RSS blog reader (my choice has moved from Feedreader to Google's Web2.0 app - Google Reader) when I saw Paperlilies' new entry. She had a collection of pictures, and this was one of them. I've decided that I love this tattoo so much that the first I see with this on her forearm, I will marry her. No shit. Not kidding. If you (female) have this tattoo, I will fucking marry you. Not only is this tat cute, artsy, but it's sexy as hell too. Oh, how I love it.

Jolene

Srsly. Listen to this song. Brytni used to make me sing it all the time. If someone makes me sing someone else's version of another singer's song, you know it's fucking good. I've seen better videos of this song than this one, but it's good nonetheless. When I see him sing this song, I really do believe, even if for 3 minutes, that Jolene's trying to take his husband from him. Anyway, here it is:



Jolene, Jolene...
I'm begging of you,
please don't take my man.
Jolene, Jolene,
Please don't take just because you can.

Your beauty is beyond compare,
with flaming locks of auburn hair,
with ivory and eyes of emerald green.
Your smile is like a breathe of spring.
Your voice is sung like summer rain.
I can not compete with you, Jolene.

He talks about you in his sleep,
and there's nothing I can do to keep
from crying, when he calls your name, Jolene.

Jolene, I'm begging of you:
Please, don't take my man.
Jolene, please don't take him,
even though you can.

I can easily understand how
you could easily take my man.
But, you don't know what he means to me, Jolene.
You could have your choice of men,
but I could never love again -
he's the only one for me, Jolene.

I had to have this talk with you,
because my happiness?
Well, it depends on you.
And, whatever you decide to do, Jolene.

If I Puke, I Hope It's On The Cameraman (he's clearly cursed me)

A little nervous this early afternoon. Three days ago, a friend called and asked me to come play a show at a club locale on Friday (today=Friday). I agreed to come out. It was short notice and I hadn't rehearsed in 2 months; but 3 days was plenty.

Yeah, then my luck kicked in...

I started throwing up an hour or two after getting off the phone. I only stopped throwing up last night around 2AM. This means, I've spent about 10 full minutes with my guitar since agreeing to the show tonight.

I've never been afraid to suck at a concert. I've done my share of bombing very hard (remember when I was on pills and told the audience exactly what I had taken? It started out funny, but it ended very awkwardly).


So, no. That's not what's bothering me. What's bothering me is that there's some film crew coming out tonight. That's why they needed me so badly - ya know, urgency, and the like.

How perfect is it that the one show I play where they're going to make a DVD out of it, I get sick and can't spend the days between finding out about this and showing up to play to practice? Just fucking perfect.

This design was surely created by God, because no person or amount of bad luck could have made this any more ironic or elegant. Thanks, homie.

I did try to practice though. I went out to my rehearsal space and tried... All I ended up with was my fingers bleeding and throwing up in the practice room trash can 5 times before giving up and getting a ride home.

From birth until I was 21 or 22, I would get a weird stomach flu once every year or two. It would result in me throwing up for 48-72 hours straight. But, these events just stopped. For the last 6 years, I've felt ever increasingly safe from this.

Well, welcome back, horrible stomach bug. I hate you so much.

76% -- the previous post explained

I'm sitting on the backyard porch at my parent's house in Texas. Yeah, I live in Arkansas while my parent's life in Texas -- 10 miles away.

Despite how irrational and impulsive I may be, I am a creature of logical thinking. When I make a mistake, I know I'm making it while I'm doing it. When I popped 15 pain killers and got in my car to drive across the state of Texas, I knew that I had broken the law. I knew what I was doing what illegal, and it's true that pleaded not guilty in court, but I was guilty. I knew I was in violation when I turned the key in the ignition of my car. Yes, the cop used bullshit tactics and I shouldn't have been convicted of the misdemeanor, I was guilty. Legally, I should have gotten off, but it was only a technicality.

And, when I was 15 and tried to kill the man who was beating me, I knew I'd go to jail. I did so with passion. I was a child, but I knew I was right; and, I was going to fight for my cause -- for my survival. I didn't care what it cost me.

Well, that's what I thought at the time. But, it cost me 1.5 years. That's a hell of a lot more than I thought it would.

All of this brings into question the political, judicial, and economical questions in this country. And, despite my non-violent opposition to all of those in power right now (read: Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Iraq war), I can tell you that I believe the United States of America is the closest thing to a perfect union that anyone has created before it. It stands as a beacon of truth, hope, and opportunity.

Some are lucky enough to get a shot at "the American dream" but most are not. In order to get that opportunity, you need a lot of things. You need money. You need connections. You need luck.

I had none. So, I was denied. If you did what I did, would you have gotten what I got? Perhaps. It depends on if you have money. It depends on if you have connections better than mine. And, it depended mostly on chance -- the luck of the draw. I had a bad hand, so I lost.

That's fair. I can't complain there.

But, now I'm backed into a corner. I'm joining either the Navy or Army (not sure which one yet). And, sadly, I have no choice on if I should do this. It must be done. I was still undecided on Monday (I think it was Monday). The Army recruiters had someone at the mall awaiting my arrival. He (the driver/army recruiter) was to drive me to the Shreveport, LA "entrance exam" building so I could take a test called, "The ASVAB". The minimum score you must get on this test is a 31% to join the Army or Navy. I had taken a practice test, and I scored a 54%.

They didn't explain to me who the test was ranked. So, when I saw 54%, I thought I had failed. I thought of high school and college grading systems. I don't know what they are in your state, but this is how it works in my state:

100-99 = A
98-89 = B
88-79 = C
78-69 = D

Anything lower than that was F.

Note that this was only the practice test, and although I felt I did bad, my recruiter told me that was pretty damned good. She said the real thing is pretty different from the practice test, so I might score a little lower, but even if that happens, I've still done very well.

So, I show up on that Monday and the recruiter drives me and another girl to Shreveport, LA. In a room with 3 other people, I'm the first to finish the test-- after about 1 hour and 20 minutes (3 hours were given to us). When you a finish a test that quickly, you've either done hugely great, or you've failed very hard. I thought I did horrible.

I awaited, in the lobby, for my score. My score?

76%

I knew what this meant, but I had no idea how big of a deal it was until I got back to the recruiter station and showed them the print out of my results.

Everyone went apeshit.

The told me if I sign up, they'll give me any job I want. They promised, contractually, that I'll never see combat. They'll put me in school as long as I want to be in school. And, they'll not only pay for my education, but like I said, give me any job I want.

I qualify for military intel with the score I got on my ASVAB.

So, what's the problem?

I don't believe in war. I don't believe in the military. Everything in my soul says not to do this, but I have no choice with the opportunities they are offering. I mean... they even said I can go live anywhere I want (I'm going to Japan)... but....

I'm a total sellout.

Seventy-six

How soon we sellout all that we believe for some money. Integrity goes for cheap these days. I could've sold it on eBay, but I've found an infinitely more horrifying way to go about it. So, naturally I've chosen the path that offers the most collateral damage. I mean, that's what I do, ya know? Anyone who knows me will know I'm into that shit.

I don't get off on it, but I've never been able to stop it either. Not sure why. Irrelevant to wonder about it, I guess.

76, or more accurately -- 76% -- this number has changed my life. Thusly, it's altered my behavior in the run up to my own event horizon.

I'm not sure when I leave, but I know I am (manner of weeks). So, I've been going out a lot. I haven't stayed at my own apartment for the last 2 or 3 nights. I'm there now - first time in a while. I've been calling a lot of friends, making plans with them, while avoiding others. I don't know why there are some of you that I don't want to see before I leave. Maybe I'm embarrassed. There doesn't seem to be any qualifications for who I want to see and who I don't. Although, actually, a lot of you that I've been avoiding are turning out to be women. The ones I've wanted to see the most (I'm looking at you Fabian and Cliff) have been too busy so far. But, I've got time.

I'm doing the right thing for myself, but it just gives me this really worried feeling. I guess that's normal when on the doorstep of the unknown.