How Could I Possibly Title This? Maybe (RE: Keira)

While driving back to college after Christmas break to take final exams, I was text messenging at the wheel and drove my car off a 20 foot high bridge and into a dry river bed.

I did not die.

I had cancerous tumor 3 inches from my heart. They thought it was the size of a golfball. When they cut me open to remove it, it turned to be the size of a baseball. I almost bled out.

But, I did not die.

When I was born, in El Dorado, I got a Staff Infection. This is not bad unless it finds it's way into your blood stream. If it does, you're a dead man. Despite the 6 month coma...

I did not die.

At sixteen years old and driving 20-30 miles over the speed limit in the rain, I drove into a puddle of water, hydroplaned, and flipped my car between 3-10 times only to finally come to rest in the water of a low creek that was seeping into my trapped metal tomb. And still...

I did not die.

I have dissected dead human beings while laughing at their cause of death. I've invited refugees from hurricanes into my home. I've turned away the homeless while knowing they'd sleep on a street if I did so. I've donated money to Red Cross every year. In 2000, I voted for John McCain.

I should have made Amanda some Chicken Noodle Soup tonight, but the thought didn't cross my mind.

I should have asked Keira why she was so tired when I was at my parent's house and checked my twitter updates.

I should have called my brother to make sure his flight landed safely in Paris a couple hours ago.

I should have blown off Brytni to spent time with Emeline.

I had a fight with a girl named Gina over simple case of impatience that she and I, both, could have handled better.

I did none of these things.
I should have but I didn't.

However, I'm proud of these failures. Make no mistake that they are, in fact, mistakes. Each and every one is a failure on my part. Some recent - some long ago, but all mistakes.

Statistically, I should be dead. So far, half of my family has died of the same mistakes I've made. I've only been lucky enough to not die. It's that simple -- I am lucky. And, although I take that word for granted, tonight I tell you this:

There is no luck. There is path.

Brytni is on a path, and she will probably end up married to a man from Japan named Thomas.

Gina is on a path. She will continue college, get to know her room mate, meet several new boys, fall in love with one of these boys, have her heart broken, and end up marrying one that she meets almost immediately after graduating college.

My mom is on a path. After her brain surgery, her seizures gradually take her further and further from reality, but she is alive and will live until she dies. That's most that even I can say.

In this regard, she is impulsive, but I seem to find love, hope, and fondness in being that way. Even when make an impulsively terrible decision that leads to nothing but failure and ache, you were alive, you made your choice, and you were alive and proud as you did it.

Were you proud? God, I hope so. Because, even as I have failed so many fucking times, I am proud of everytime I cheated on Brytni. I am proud of every time she hit me. I am proud of each time my dad hit me. I am proud of my brother's senseless and stupid death.

How can I possibly say this?

Because we were all alive when we did these things. They are choices we made, and even if the choice was made in the wrong frame of mind, we made them. That means something. It must mean something. It made history. Probably, no one will remember that history, but it is fact, and I, nor can you, change that truth.

You are truth.

I am truth.

You are love.

I am love.

Everything I've done? I've done all of it for the sake of my own happiness -- even if the reaction of what I did or said did nothing but make me suffer, I promise you this: I made that choice when the intention of making myself smile. And, even if it was an improper, inconstant, immoral reason to smile -- I was still going to fucking smile. And it was going to be genuine.

I bet you to do the same.

I love you. I always will. Even when I hate you, I love you. You are alive. So, you should live.

I don't mean to come across like a great prophet, but I do want you to do one thing after reading this silly blog on some silly website that will ultimately be deleted, dismantled, forgotten and destroyed ---- take what I say, believe it, and use it.

I don't care how you use it. As long as you use it, then you've done it correctly. If your heart is pumping blood from your veins to your brain and back to your extremities, then you have the right to fuck up, fail, use bad judgment, and come across to some as a bad person.

Your goal, however, is to overcome those symptoms of life. Those being hurt and pain. The drug I offer?

Love.

Hope.

I am not perfected. I'm as flawed as they come, but I tell you this -- open yourself to tears you shed, blood you bleed, the pain you ache. It is not in vain.

You're on a path. That path will be a lesson to someone, if not everyone, and I, for one, will read your life story.

I. Promise. You. That.

In The Wake Of The Muse

Does it make you sad to hear
that I've got my life all worked out?

They'll betray you; they're all liars.
They'll betray you with your own courtesy.

Photographs of the Last 50-ish Hours.

The Last 3-4 Days With Amanda.

I have a very coincidental, beautiful, and scary story to tell everyone, but first you must know this: Red Door has let me out of the contract. So, I’ve got a find a normal job really fast, because if I don’t, I’ll be homeless in 5-10 days.

So, three days ago, I put on slacks, a white collared shirt, and a blue tie. And, I went forth to find employment – anywhere would work, I thought, until I ship off to the Army’s boot camp. So, I didn’t give a damn where I work until then.

So, I figured the mall has a pretty fast turn-around on their employees. So, I went to our mall. And, there I was at Central Mall in Texarkana, TX three days ago. I went into The Buckle to apply for a job. I asked for an application, got it, had a look over it, and I looked around the store as I was exiting.

I saw this blonde girl. She was wearing the absolute cutest red and black stripped shirt. My Social Anxiety Disorder told me to stay away from her, but I overcame it. I went over to her and said, “that is, without a doubt, the cutest shirt I have ever seen.” And, then I literally ran away from her. Hah.

But, I knew I’d never seen her again; so, I didn’t feel stupid for running away. I mean, she’s just some random girl in a fucking mall. I knew, for a fact, that I would never see her again.

Later that night, I was invited by a few friends to go to Club NEXT. A few of my people were going, and they asked me if I wanted to come along; and, since I’ve been hiding and being anti-social for over an entire month, I figured I should go. I was even kind of looking forward to going. I haven’t been out there in a while. So, I went.

I was there, having a few drinks, hanging with my friends, my friend, Charlie Burgess, and I were running amuck around the club, having a good time. Then, he asked me if I’d go to the bar and get us some more drinks. So, I went to the bar and waited on the tender to get to me so I could tell him what we wanted to drink. I’m sitting there, on the bar stool, looking around at all the people in the club…

…and, I see that red and black stripped shirt. It was the same shirt that I had seen in the mall at The Buckle. Holy crap.

So, again, I fought my social anxiety disorder and went up to her and said, “hey! Remember me?” And she said, “Uhm… no.. I don’t think so.” I said, “I’m the guy that complimented your shirt earlier today at the mall and then ran away *laugh*”

She said, “Oh, my God! That was you, wasn’t it! I didn’t recognize you without the white button down and tie. Why’d you run off? I wanted to talk to you?” So, we talked, hung out, and stayed close all night.

Then, we went to a house party over at mutual friend’s house. When I left the party to go home (quite late), Amanda (the shirt girl) and I exchanged numbers.

She called me the next day, and asked if I wanted to go out to a few places with her. I said, “Yeah! Absolutely!” We had a good time, and she came back to my apartment at the end of the night and stayed over. She stayed at my apartment last night again also.

Note: No sex or anything. We’re just hanging out and sleeping next to each other. And, it’s been so much fun.

Oh, and last night she said, “Ya know, Charlie? I think we might be soul mates.” To which I said, “Amanda, I think you might be right.”

There are a lot of reasons she and I said that, but I won’t get into it right now. Just know that it’s crazy amazing.

Also, she’s decided that she’s going to single-handedly cure my Social Anxiety Disorder. She’s already taken me to three places that would have given me panic attacks – huge panic attacks – but, she promised to hold my hand the entire time we were there and to never leave my side. And, that’s how I got through the places we went without having an episode. I was really surprised and proud of myself that I did that well in such a place. And, she was quite proud of me too, because she knows how bad my Social Anxiety Disorder is.

She just woke up in my bed about 30 minutes ago, and now she’s left for work. So, I’m writing in my blog. I already wrote a lot more personal stuff about all of this stuff (her) in my pen-and-paper-private-diary, but I had to write about it here too. I just had to.

The last three days have been the best I’ve lived in at least the last 6 months.

But, she’s making me worry so much. I absolutely refuse to explain why that is on this public diary, but if you’re a close friend of mine, I’ll tell you. And, I’d actually really like you to ask me about it in email or IM, because I need advice about it. So, please do contact me and ask what I’m so scared about; because I’m truly terrified – even as I’m elated.

Joyous.


PS: Last night, my laptop died. I'm borrowing my mom's laptop right now until I can get mine fixed, but it's going to be no easy task. The power supply on the laptop is busted, and if you've ever tried to fix a power supply on a laptop, then you know what a truly huge pain in the ass it is and how unbelievably hard it is. So, I won't be on IM until I can get a better net connection -- my mom's laptop doesn't pick up my neighbor's wifi from my living room. So, I'm going to have to take the computer outside to post this.

Also, while I'm out there, I'm going to download the drivers for my PCMCIA wireless card, so I'm hoping that'll fix my net from my living room problem.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

Dear Gina

Dear my "darling", Gina;

On 2008 September 6th, I had some unbelievable stuff happen to me. I always knew I could talk to you about anything; especially since you're great at giving advise. Nikita had come over to my apartment, and we were going to watch movies, have a sleep over (no sex, just sleeping), and it was supposed to be a lot of fun.

Sometime around 1:00PM, she lost her mind, and she went absolutely, unequivocally, batshit crazy. I hadn't sen this kind of behavior since I lived with Brytni, and this was far worse than Brytni's insane bullshit.

So, I sent you an IM to tell you about it. Here is the transcript of that IM for you, and the world, to see.

(9:46:36 AM) Charlie: :'(

(9:46:37 AM) Gina : Sleeps.

(10:51:52 AM) Gina: What's wrong?

(10:52:55 AM) Charlie: Last night was so.... so.... so unbelievable...

(10:52:55 AM) Gina : Homework.

(10:53:01 AM) Gina: What happened?

(10:54:44 AM) Charlie: You remember Nikita, don't you?

(10:55:02 AM) Gina: No, but you mentioned her last night and that she was coming over to get drunk.

(10:57:07 AM) Charlie: Yeah...

(10:57:39 AM) Gina: So, what happened?

(10:58:37 AM) Charlie: It's a long, fucked fucking holy fuck fuck fucked up fucking long fucking fucked up piece of
fuck... can I call you to tell you?

(10:58:50 AM) Gina: ... that was really unnecessary.

(10:58:58 AM) Gina: And no, you can't call me. I'm doing homework.

(10:59:14 AM) Charlie: No.... it really wasn't... this was the most insane night I've had in years

(10:59:53 AM) Gina: Well, I'm sorry, but no matter how bad it was I don't really appreciate that amount of poor
language.

(11:00:02 AM) Charlie: If it offended you I'm sorry

(11:00:14 AM) Gina: Accepted.

(11:00:18 AM) Gina: Now, just tell me what happened.
(11:00:38 AM) Charlie: No. I'll tell you later. It's too long to type

(11:01:03 AM) Gina: Whatever.

(11:01:23 AM) Charlie: What's your deal?

(11:02:09 AM) Gina: I'm doing homework, and I don't really have the time or patience for you to be vague.

(11:03:05 AM) Charlie: I'm not being vague. I'm being nothing. I'll just tell you later. If time is a problem for you,
then there's no point to even try to tell you what happened via IM

(11:03:29 AM) Charlie: Do your homework, and hopefully later tonight you'll have 20-30 minutes free for me to tell you.

(11:03:45 AM) Gina: Fine.

(11:03:58 AM) Charlie: ?!

(11:04:35 AM) Gina: I'm agreeing with you. What's the issue?

(11:05:33 AM) Charlie: "Fine." sounds a lot like agreement when agreement usually comes out like, "Alrighty.", "Ok." or, "That'll work." -- rather, "Fine." sounds like, "Fine. Do whatever the hell you want, Charlie. I'm fed up with it already."

(11:06:00 AM) Gina: You're putting way too much thought into this.

(11:06:25 AM) Charlie: If you hadn't of said "Whatever." earlier, I wouldn't have...

(11:07:28 AM) Gina: Honestly, I just don't really care? I feel like you're making a big deal out of nothing, and you
refuse to prove to me that it's not nothing.

(11:07:41 AM) Gina: So I'm just going to do my work, and talk to you later.

(11:08:14 AM) Charlie: Maybe I'm wrong, and I hope I am, but you're coming off very annoyed and like you're
pretty grumpy right now... which sucks, not only cause it's rare for you to act like this, and last night so completely
messed up, and it messed with my head. So, I was hoping to get so............

(11:08:15 AM) Charlie: Fine.

(11:08:16 AM) Charlie: Bye.

Unbelievably rude, I thought, but I can get passed that. But, I put this message on my twitter account:

Charlie: Tonight, you went off on and were really rude. I haven't the slightest clue why you acted that way. I wish I knew at least that much. Thnx.

05:00 AM September 08, 2008 from twhirl

Gina: If you actually cared, you wouldn't just twitter about your feelings. You'd do something.

06:06 AM September 08, 2008 from web

Gina: If you actually cared, you wouldn't just twitter about your feelings. You'd do something. 06:06 AM September 08, 2008 from web

Charlie: A year ago, I remember telling you I had the ability of throwing harmful people away, without regret, even if I love them. You're are close.

10:26 PM September 09, 2008 from twhirl

[About two weeks later, she writes this, completely ignoring what had happened]

Charlie: Not blog @ http://selfhatex.blogspot.com/

05:55 PM September 22, 2008 from web

Gina: @SquireCD I read the blog. I'm not sure what to say. I just need space. College is more overwhelming already than I expected.

08:03 PM September 22, 2008 from web in reply to SquireCD

Charlie: @gigibutt You saying nothing when you should (ie: apologize) seems to be your thing lately, so i'm not surprised. I'm used to it. No worries
about 20 hours ago from web in reply to gigibutt

Gina: @SquireCD Forget it. That's honestly the last time I'm reaching out to you. Go get drunk and waste your life away - I can't keep caring.

about 12 hours ago from web in reply to SquireCD

Charlie: @gigibutt You called that reaching out? Then, by all means go. I'm done too.

about 9 hours ago from web in reply to gigibutt

(WHAT?! SHE KNOWS DAMN WELL THAT I ONLY REALLY STARTED DRINKING IN THE LAST TWO MONTHS BECAUSE I'M FINANCIALLY FUCKED! FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'VE HAD ONE, MAYBE TWO DRINKS A YEAR!)

Charlie: @gigibutt And while you're hurling insults? May I make one? You're stuck up as hell.

about 9 hours ago from web in reply to gigibutt




Charlie:@gigibutt Want to "reach out" and mend this? I suggest you do a little better, because I give you an F. I'll acept a C+. Otherwise, piss off
about 8 hours ago from web in reply to gigibutt

Please note that I have said many things that were rude and out of line, but I've apologized and begged for forgiveness each time. As you've seen, she didn't apologize. Her answer was to completely ignore the fact that she was a total cunt; and without an apology, I do not accept her, the friendship, and I most certainly will not be her friend.

From what I gather, she has no intention on making this right. And, I will therefore keep her blocked on mySpace, IM, gmail, and everything else. If this is how she's going to handle her behavior (that was aimed at me), then I will have no part and nothing to do with her ever again.

With that said, if she apologized right now for being a rude jerk, I'd totally forgive and forget. Sadly, I don't see that in our future. And, I'll be absolutely honesty, this sitiation really hurts my feelings; because, I adore her so, so fucking music. She inspires me, I (think) I inpspire her, and I've done her tons of nice and sweet thing (befriend a boy she liked so I can report back to her what he says, sending her Valentines Day stufff, and anytime she's upset, she knows (without the slighest doubt that she can call me, cry, bitch, or whine to me, and I'll listen to it for hours if need to be.

It was a surprise to me when I found how agout 2 week ago, these things I do for her have never been recipcricated, and I hadn't even noticed until this happened.

And, again, with all of these things said, if she would just say, "Charlie, I'm sorry", I'd forgive and forget right then and there. I don't need / want her telling me how bad she treated me or getting into "I'm so unbelievably sorry". A simple "I'm sorry, and it won't happen again" will due just fine.

However, nowing her, this will never, ever happen.

So, this, Gina, is farewall. I will miss you dearly, but fuck you for acting the way you have.

Current Music: "Backstabber" by The Dresden Dolls

My Awakening, Rapture, Catharsis, and it is time.

I just walked back into my apartment about 30-45 minutes ago. Since the Hurricane Ike hit, it killed my power and water, but within 3 days of the outages, my apartment was fine to return to. But, I didn't.

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I've said at my parent's house for the last two weeks. The person I used to tell these things to was a beautifully amazing girl named Gina, who I feel we've lost touch, and that hurts me so much. But, she seems content with it. So, I will be content with it as well.

But, regardless of that, the one, and only one, I've said this to -- why I haven't gone home in 2 weeks -- is my friend Keira. So, Keira, you should leave a comment saying you're proud of me :)

But, also, Keira, you should add this to your comment: Tell them why I didn't want to come home. I'm to embarrassed to do it, so when you comment why I wouldn't come home, I won't be as embarassed or emo if you say it for me. And, I'd appreciate it. You're the only person I can fully open up now lately, and it means a lot to me -- I know, I'm distant sometimes, and I'm sorry for that, but never mistake that for me not caring about you.

So, the awakening (name of my first album, actually), rapture, and catharsis headline...

It's time I get my shit together. I've got to let go of the bitterness I have toward my father. I have to, or I'll hold it, and it's crippling who I am. I am falling apart in more ways than I can count, and I'm starting to worry I'll be back on pills again soon, if I can't get past several things.

My brother is a legal genius. My dad is too. I am not. My dad gets $190,000 a year for his salary. He's 58.

My 25 year old brother already makes $85,000.

All of my life, there has been a pressure on me to do as well as either my dad or at least my brother. And, I have failed miserably, and that fact holds me back from trying anything. I'm just too fucking scared. Which is why I want to join the army. They pay well. And, I want to stop feeling like the family-fuck-up. I want to feel like my dad and brother can be proud of me. I want my dad to finally, after 27 years say, "Charlie, son, I am so proud of you."

He's never once said that to me. And, I've begged in tears for that day to come. But, it won't.

I have to get past these things, but I don't know how.

So, please -- ALL OF YOU -- leave me comments here and give me advice as to how to handle this. I feel like I'm falling apart, I need you all, IRL and Internet friends both, I need your advice and ideas.

So, comment this video with any advice or crticism that you have.

Thank you.

Captured.

This morning, I was in Spain. But, I wasn't only there. I was in France, England, Japan, and Indonesia too. All over the world, in every country, in every city. I opened a bell jar in every town and closed it back up.

I didn't capture lighting in my jar. No.

I caught time in a jar. I caught air. The air of differences, the air of love, the air of harmony.

Each jar sits on my mantle, reminding me of where, when, and who we all are; singing in harmony, there must not be division.

You have to see this, because

...he's absolutely right. I usually don't give a shit what these Hollywood people say about things like this, but he sees it the exact same way I do. And, that dinosaur thing and banning books? Yeah, the news has factually said both are true.

[EDIT @ 10:45AM]
It makes me so sad that it's Matt Damon, a celebrity, that has made the absolute best point on this issue. I can't understand why it's not the American Free Press asking these questions, talking about these points, and without the press helping us out, we're going to be in a lot of trouble. Below the video are links for you to read, if you want more info about this.

This is an interview with Sarah Palin in which she states that she's a Creationist and wants it taught in public schools. Moreover, this article explains Creationism. Lastly, this page explains how Creationist's explains Dinosaurs.

Now, please everyone, hear me out. I am not bashing religion by any means. I promise you that. I've known several Catholic people in my life; hell, my own little brother and his fiancé are both Catholics. My friend Elle is a Catholic, and a girl I used to know from Pennsylvania is one too. I even have another online friend, Mike, who is Catholic. I don't think for one second any of these people have ever once thought I was a bigot regarding religion (or any other subject for that matter). Creationism doesn't even bother me. I'm all for people believing in whatever they want to believe in. I don't care what you believe.

However, when you want to impose the rules of your religion onto your nation because you're in power (read: President, Prime Minister, Dictator, King, Queen, Vice President), then I have a major problem with that. I like that I'm free to believe what I want, I like that you're free to believe what you want; so, I don't want someone in power who will start making those decisions for me, my family, and my (possible) future children.

My point here is to say:

1. Religious matters should be kept out of public school. If when I have a child, and he grows up Buddhist (I will let him make up his own mind though), I will be very unhappy if they preach to him at his public school. Religion is school should be kept at schools for religion; boarding school, Catholic school, that kind of stuff. Public schools should not teach Creationism.
   
2. Science has proven without a shadow of a doubt that Dinosaurs were alive and thriving until 65,000,000 years ago. Even rational Creationists admit this, and they have no choice - it is a fact. So, to me, if you believe that Dinosaurs were walking the year 10,000-4,000 years ago, that tells me several things:

A.) You are too stubborn to ignore facts when they are flying in your face. And, that's what got us into a war with Iraq.
B.) You are unable to admit when you're wrong. This also has brought us many American soldiers home in boxes rather than in airplane seats.
C.) Your intelligence and decision making skills aren't good enough to lead the American people, must less the free world (if that's how you see America's global role).

Anyway, I honestly and truly hope I haven't offended any Catholics or Creationists with this post. And, if I have, then please forgive me; because, that was certainly not my intent.

I just think horrible things happen when religion and government get in bed together:

• Spanish Inquisition

• Salem witch trials

Delivery Girl

I ordered Papa John's pizza about 2 hours ago. When the doorbell rang, I opened the door to find a rain soaked girl about my age. She was wearing cut off shorts and had Converse shoes with little stars drawn on the toes.

She was really, really cute. I didn't hit on her or say anything to take conversation away from my pizza, but I did just do something.

She seemed like her self esteem isn't so perfect -- us self-esteem people can smell our own kind. So, I called Papa John's just a bit ago.

I have no idea who answered the phone at the store, but I asked them if they'd deliver her a message for me. This is what I said:

"I ordered a pizza from you guys about 2 hours ago. A girl, about 25, was the delivery person. She's got dark red hair, cut off shorts, and she's wearing Converse shoes. I didn't say anything to her about it at the time, but could you please tell her someone thought she was really cute? I don't want her to call me, come to my apartment, and I'm not looking to meet her or anything. So, you don't need to know who I am. All I wanted was for you to tell her this, because maybe her day will be a little nicer. Thanks."

Before I Become "Army Strong" (what a joke)

It’s 4:50AM in Arkansas. I’ve got my laptop set up on my kitchen table in my messy apartment. I’m typing this out in Microsoft Word before I past it into my blog post, because I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get a connection to the internets. I really don’t want my entire post lost if I can’t get on.

None of that matters to you though.

I’ve been categorically destroying all of the relationships I possibly can before I leave to became an hero [read: Army] -- (if you don’t know what “an hero” means… well… either continue to not know or just google it – encyclopediadramatica.com will help).

^-- That was grammatically horrible.

The other day (a week ago?), I was on the phone with Gina and said something amazing. There’s no chance I can repeat it. But, I just wanted you to know. Oh, and tonight on my brother’s voicemail, I left something almost as good.

I’d like to specify that I haven’t been trying to destroy all of my relationships, some of them have been destroyed for me, which is all fine with me, but it is a bit sad nonetheless.

I wish I had a vacuum. I really, really need to vacuum my apartment. But, if I had one, would I really use it right now? Eh… Probably not.

Hey. I’ve completely stopped making sense. I think I’ll go post this before it gets worse.

Bye!

PS: I wish someone where online to talk to. I’m totally bored 

Current music: “A Gentleman Caller” by Cursive

Blog Via Email Test #3

This is a test post to see if this will even work at all or not. I've reconfigured my blogspot settings to allow me to post to a super-secret email address. Blogspot will take whatever I email to that secret email address, and it'll automagically publish it onto my blog all by itself.

The coolest thing about this is that now I'll be able to use my Blogspot like I had my moBlog before TextAmerica.com turned into a pay site, lost all of their customers, and closed it's doors for good as a result -- which I'm still, 3 years later, very mad about because I lost over 2,000 really good pictures. Anyway, what a moBlog is (was is more appropriate really, because they don't really exist anymore) was, you would take a picture with your cellphone, and you'd SMS the media to a special phone number or email address. The website server would get your message and it's auto-post your picture with whatever caption you wrote for it in real time. I updated my moBlog on the top of a mountain a few times with nothing a cellphone that had no net access. And, you could go and look at exactly what I was looking at, no matter where in the world I was, only 1 or 2 minutes after I hit send.

It was such a cool site.

Anyway... So, this is a say nothing type post, I guess.

But, to make it worth while, have a look at this really amazing picture Keira gimped for me. I'll post the original and the new version that she edited. Oh, and "There's no love in fear." She asked me, before telling me that she was even editing a picture at all what my all-time favorite lyric was. And, I answered with the quickness, because it's been my favorite single line from any song since I was 15 or 16. It's from, "Pushit" by Tool, written (lyrically) by Maynard James Keenan.

I'm Getting Married.

(10:16:12 AM) Mike: charlie!
(10:16:18 AM) Charlie: hm?
(10:16:27 AM) Mike: im getting my hair done black and white!
(10:16:29 AM) Mike: by harlee!
(10:16:38 AM) Charlie: Spiffy
(10:16:47 AM) Mike: :]
(10:17:58 AM) Charlie: Hey!!
(10:18:20 AM) Charlie: *just had best idea ever*
(10:18:21 AM) Mike: hey!
(10:18:28 AM) Mike: what!
(10:18:30 AM) Charlie: Let's move to California and get married!!
(10:18:37 AM) Charlie: :D
(10:18:37 AM) Mike: deal
(10:18:43 AM) Charlie: WOOHOOO!!!!!!
(10:19:31 AM) Charlie: In Cali, neither of us have to be the bridge, but I'd still like to wear a wedding dress
(10:19:33 AM) Charlie: Is that ok w/ you?
(10:19:44 AM) Charlie: bride* (not bridge lol)
(10:19:50 AM) Mike: haha
(10:19:52 AM) Charlie: *lmao*
(10:19:56 AM) Mike: sure thang
(10:20:12 AM) Charlie: I don't wanna piss off your parents though. If they want me to wear a tux, I'll wear a tux
(10:20:29 AM) Charlie: I don't need my father-in-law hating me that soon in our marriage, ya know?
(10:20:33 AM) Mike: haha
(10:20:45 AM) Charlie: *beams*
(10:21:15 AM) Mike: WAIT
(10:21:38 AM) Charlie: Uh oh. :( What wait?
(10:21:44 AM) Mike: i thought i missed class
(10:21:50 AM) Charlie: Are we already calling off the weddi - oh
(10:21:50 AM) Mike: i dont think i did!
(10:21:51 AM) Charlie: hahah
(10:22:09 AM) Charlie: Screw class lol
Go home. Take a nap ^_^
(10:22:17 AM) Mike: i cant drive my car yet!
(10:22:21 AM) Mike: itll boil over
(10:23:07 AM) Charlie: Booooo :(
(10:23:13 AM) Charlie: I'll come pick you up ^_^
(10:23:13 AM) Mike: haha
(10:24:05 AM) Charlie: Hey, you're not gonna make me wait to get teh secks until we're married, are you?
(10:24:09 AM) Charlie: *giggle*
(10:24:17 AM) Mike: hell no.
(10:24:20 AM) Mike: haha
(10:24:21 AM) Charlie: hahahahah
(10:24:29 AM) Mike: im no cock block1
(10:24:30 AM) Mike: !
(10:24:34 AM) Charlie: LMAO!!
(10:24:38 AM) Mike: god this conversation just got uber gay
(10:24:46 AM) Mike: god that sentence was super gay.
(10:24:48 AM) Charlie: HAHAHHA yeah it did lmao!!
(10:24:59 AM) Charlie: That was so awesome though lmao
(10:25:03 AM) Mike: i practically mouthed it with a lisp
(10:25:11 AM) Charlie: hahzhahah
(10:25:34 AM) Charlie: Oh, man!! I really hope someone standing near you can read lips and saw you say that! lmao
(10:25:53 AM) Mike: theres dozen of peoples sitting near me
(10:25:58 AM) Mike: and its horrible

There Is Love. We Are Love.

On my death bed, I hope the last word I hear is "love", because I want that to be my last thought. There is love. We are love.

You.

I’ll celebrate your soul by knowing mine will never lack it’s will to carry on as it only shines the reflection of your influence upon it.

So Simple.

I slept next to your indecision
for a year, wondering and worried.
Will you be alright the next time
you find yourself frenzied and hurried?

I wonder how you tie your shoes now.
You had no balance, so I held you up.
If we can trade secrets, maybe I'll
find that you will never go back either.

On my back, there's a picture
that I can not see and can not forget
the life I had when it was drawn
on my back; a badge of regret

Outside of the atmosphere, there's a star
that I'll never find ever again.
The one we wished one in a field on
the side of a highway.

I left a note on your car one morning
that I put in a plastic Ziplock bag.
It had been raining; I couldn't let it get wet.
It read like verse: scripture for the soul.

Bitter for years, and probably still sad,
I hope you're healed and happy these days.
Regretting nothing now, I admire your prayer,
and wish for you only that in which is beautiful.