Swamp death; bayou love
Smiling down from up above
Beaches on fire; smoldering wretch
Oil field explosion; sleeping now
I don't know when; don't know how
Revelation come; bring the wealth
Giving us all eternal health
We'll never die; just suffer hard
When humanity was caught off guard
Humility will save us when
the sky opens it all begins
Dear Danueil,
The weakest of storms came through my city today. I walked through the falling river; and, I thought of your ghost. You died at noon. They were all 9 years old; triplets, it seemed. They were slave labor and forced to dig your grave.
But, I had faith in you. It never faltered. Not for a second, my love. Not for a second.
The daughters of past were given shovels, but they did not dig as they were told. They dropped to their knees, one by one, and prayed for rapture and deliverance. I remember thinking something along the lines of, "if He opens the sky, it will not be love but napalm that falls", and I couldn't have been more wrong.
But, I had faith in you. It never faltered. Not for a second, my love. Not for a second.
So, I saw you fall from the sky. You looked confused, like you had woken up from a dream. It wasn't a nightmare type of dream; more like something surreal, and at the same time your face was innocently vague. I don't think you even realized the three blonde girls kneeling around you. I wondered what must have been going through your mind, and I have to admit that I wanted to leave my hiding spot among the trees to ask, but I didn't stray. I stayed unlit in the brush, and I almost hoped you'd find me. But, you didn't.
But, I had faith in you. It never faltered. Not for a second, my love. Not for a second.
So, I followed you home. Yes, it was a weird, and maybe underhanded, thing to do, but I did it. I'll admit it. Your bathroom has that little window next to the tub, a small rectangle that fell something like 3 inches from the ceiling. I stood outside and watched you. I had always wondered what you were like when you really thought you were alone. You always seem to try to please us when we're around you, like an actor in front of camera; so, I have to say I was curious at who I'd find you to be in that bathroom.
And, I still had faith in you. No, it never faltered. Not for a second, my dear. Nil.
When you got out of the tub, yes you were clean from hitting the ground earlier, but you seemed different. I guess I felt like I understood, because taking a bath does change a person's mood sometimes; but, I soon found even more confusion as I saw you take your razor blade in hand. I swear, I thought you were only going to shave. I didn't know. I mean, I know you didn't realize what had happened earlier, but I was sure you knew something amazing had taken place. Why would you not acknowledge that? Why would you, after returning from oblivion, properly and knowingly advance back into it?
And yet, that's exactly what you did. I suppose it wasn't that you felt saved, but you had lost control of the situation. Even if it was a pretty good situation you had found yourself in, it was not your design, and it was engineered by another. I know I've felt that way, but when the measures to take are this drastic... I'll admit, Danueil, I did not see it coming.
And yet, I still had faith in you. It never faltered. Not for a second, my love.
What bothers more the most is that I thought I knew you. Sure, you seemed to act different when particular people stood next to you, and maybe your personality changed with the crowd or music; but the core of your soul was something I felt I understood. The very basics that make you ...well, you, I guess is what I'm trying to say. I never wondered if you were a good person. And, in fact, I still think you are; albeit, extremely flawed.
So, now you lay in a hospital bed while nurses and doctors defend you from the Agents of Oblivion. You were the closest person to me, and yes... I know that in itself is sad, but it's the fucking truth. You were. And now I find myself afraid of you. I'm afraid you knew I was watching. I'm afraid you'll do it again. I'm afraid of your wrists. I'm afraid of your personality. Who have you become, and when did I stop knowing you? So, I write this to you, but I will never deliver it to you. This will stay within my head and the fingers that write it; the core of my being. It's as much in my blood as yours is in the sink. I love you, but I have to keep my distance now. Unpredictability is something that makes me scared, and I don't mind admitting that to you.
If I could ask you one thing, it would be just this -
Where did you go wrong?
But, I had faith in you. It never faltered. Not for a second, my love. Not for a second.
Please, let me keep this belief.
Love,
Charlie
It's innocent magic
In her blood tonight
The stars have been blotted out
Right, this is strange
In the light, I can see through the spirit
If you listen hard, you can even hear it
It's her innocent magic
Fault line shakes, the sun glows red
Storms on the horizon will find us soon
somewhere between the day dream and night trip
Dancers redesign God's origin
And, I watched, tunneled, from the nuclear bomb
Roses bloom from the blood that was forgotten
And, I still have faith
It's just a little innocent magic
Her arched back is the devil's love
Roman lion is at the door
But, I still have faith in you
Revelation falls around the Sun
Dead dream
The soul of a smoldering wretch
All blood is asleep
There's nothing left
Twisted walking stick has been all up and down
this street
The soul of a smoldering wretch
All blood is asleep
There's nothing left
The witch is on fire
She can regret the day like repenting of the
stars and mist
I have a once in a life-time job lined up for me. It pays huge, full health, vacation, tons of sick days, and I'm good friends with the guy who does the hiring. The job is a "Web Design Specialist" position at Texarkana A&M University.
The problem is, I'm broke. Some time day, if I don't come with $82.00 even, my internet will be cut off; and if I let that happen, then I won't be able to keep in contact with the guy who's going to be hiring me.
So, I'm absolutely screwed.
That's fucking swell, isn't it? Super, super, super great....
I can only pray that he writes me back before my internet dies to tell me when the interview is....
I hate my life so much. If I get this job, I'll never have to worry about money yet... *sigh*
This is a picture of four Hydrocodone pills I have. They are in a bottle that sits about twelve inches from my left hand, on my desk. All four of them are in the bottle; I just took the picture 10 minutes ago.
The reason for this blog entry and the picture are the same. These are the last four pain killers I will ever take. I'm quitting. I've drastically cut down on my Diet Coke and cigarette consumption. But, those aren't as damaging as pills, so I'm stopping them cold turkey.
I've already had one victory over pills: I've already quit taking my "benzo" drug of choice for anxiety disorders: Xanax. I haven't touched a bar or pill in two or three months, and now pain killers are going the way of the exinct benzo.
I've just taken two of the four pills in that bottle. After they kick in, I'll judge if I can take the last two or not. I'll either take them in an hour, or I'll take them later on tonight. After I do that, I'll never touch another one ever again.
And, when some time has passed, and I've put this second vice to death, I'll stop with the cigarettes cold turkey. I figure that'll be the hard one, but I can do it. I have no doubt of it. When I'm done with smoking, I'll go after my addiction to Diet Coke.
I guess I'm 1.5/4 finished quitting all four of my vices.
I'm listening to an interview with Wiki inventor Ward Cunninham as I type.
I've just gotten back to my apartment from four hours on the road. Well, two hours, if you want to be a dick about it. ;)
I went to see Teresa in Camden. I ended up meeting her bestfriend, Crystal, John, Tyler, and even her parents. All of them were great company; and I had a wonderful time. It's always a spectacular time to see Teresa. Heart of gold, that one.
It's two hours to Camden; four hour round trip.
As I was pulling in to my parking lot, my phone rang. I pulled the cell out of my pocket, looked down at caller ID, and I was pleased to see that it was my brother calling. Jimmy told me that he wants me to be best man at his wedding!
Oh, man! Wow!
I know Jimmy and I are close, but in the last six years, he's lived really far away from me, and although I visit him a hell of a lot, he spent far more time with his friend Terry than he did me. I really thought he'd ask Terry to be his best man, and I was absolutely fine with that. I knew that's the decision he'd make; and, it didn't bother me in the slightest. But, that's not what he did. He asked me! It's really an honor. The wedding, he said, will be some where between December and March. He told me that best man has to give a speech, and because I'm not so good at that, I think I'm going to go ahead and start working on it.
I'll be hard pressed to be funny, I think. I know I'm supposed to make fun of Jimmy just a tiny tiny bit, and I know I'm supposed to talk about how great they are together, and what a fine woman Rosa is. These things will be super easy, but I'm worried about being funny. Every best man speech I've ever heard, though boring, did have a couple of goofy (lame, really) jokes...
*fear*
Well, Danzig and Fabian are on their way over, so I gotta bounce.
Nice talking to you.
I found out today that while I was living in Marshall, TX... one of my best friends died.
I was at Insty Printz with Nick. We had a huge group of friends in high school and college. We called ourselves "the crew" because that's what we were nicknamed in high school by the other kids.
Mike, Devon, Devin, Chester, Nick, Josh, Jonathan, Brandie, Katie, Katie McBroom (I hated her though)... and Cody Stanely...
I lost touch with most of them after high school. Cody was one of the ones I lost touch with. The ones I didn't loose touch with were people like McBroom, Katie, and Brandie -- all of us moved away. Cody got maried to Shawna and stayed here...
So, standing outside of Nick's work, we were talking about all of the friends we've lost; about how our circle of friends has seemed absolutely cursed... I've lost at least 20 since middle school, but probably closer to 35...
Nick said, "You know, after Michael died, Cody wasn't even a month later"
What?! Cody Stanely??!
"Yeah.. you didn't know??"
"Hell no! When? How?!"
...fuck. He killed himself 2 years ago...
I'm so fucking fed up with this shit.
Cody, remember when we went to Family Values in Dallas? I think I was 17. You were 16 or so. I think there were about 4 or 5 cars in our caravan, yet we only got one hotel room. We skipped Orgy's opening act, because we had heard they were 80s. You and I both ended up so angry when we heard them months later. Orgy was so cool, and we purposely missed them play. Remember that?
Or the time we got jumped on the side of I-30 by that guy from Texas High School? You were one of the few guys that helped me. I told you after the fight I hated violence, but still... he and his friends jumped on me, started kicking my ass bad, you jumped in, and they ended up running like hell. You were a hell of a lot stronger than me - and them. We were horribly out numbered, but we still kicked the shit out of that asshole and his little gangsta buddies. And, we never did even find out why they jumped me. Then, you're dumb ass broke your hand when you punched the oak tree in my dad's lawn when we got home, bloodied and beaten. I told you to calm down, but you never did.
Not once.
RIP, friend.
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